The Real World: with cough drops!
by Bippy The Monkey
Summary: A short spoof of The Matrix, featuring Bippy the Monkey instead of Neo. enjoy and review.
1. Chapter 1

**Another Matrix**

My real name is Thomas Anderson.

But in the virtual world, I am known as…………

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**Bippy The Monkey**.

I am well known for hacking stealing a nuclear bomb that was sold online (although I don't understand why they would sell that in the first place), hacking every bank account from all my neighbors in a 5 mile radius around my house, I successfully scammed 14 kids of all their virtual money on world of warcraft before breakfast time, managed to add all those annoying pop-ups for "FREE XBOX OR PS2 with 400$ shipping fee" to your computer (yes that was me), and stole 2 shopping carts from Wal-Mart (hehehe those suckers didn't know what hit 'em). Now you know the truth about me, so feel free to scream in fright at the sight of BIPPY THE MONKEY!

Back to the story, some weirdo named Morpheus kidnapped me and brought me to his mansion. Now, this is where the real story begins . . .

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**At The Mansion**

"You are special Bippy," said Morpheus, lowering down his spectacles knowingly.

"First you kidnap me, and next you make fun of me by calling me special?" I replied, now quite undignified.

"No no Bippy, I didn't mean it that way, I meant that you are the One Who Lived!" Morpheus said, with a voice that sounded like he had just said something very impressive, and expected a gasp of astonishment from me. However, that was not the case.

"Dude, you so stole that from Harry Potter, just cut the crap and tell me why you shoved me into a car."

Lowering his spectacles further, he nodded towards me slowly and said, "How deep does the rabbit hole really go...

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not very." Ok, by now I was thoroughly spooked. _There's a __strange man who calls me special, thinks I'm Harry Potter, and checks out rabbit holes?__This guy must be from the Axe Gang in Kung-Fu Hustle._

"Look man, just bring me back home alright?" I said shakily.

"No Bippy, you must learn the truth tonight. Now, which one will you take? The bluepill, or the Red pill?" Morpheus said, lowering his voice for extra melodramatic effect.

My mother always told me not to take food from scary bald men… but I was spared for the moment. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew from the window, where it knocked off both pills onto the floor. From there, they bounced into the fireplace. 

"DAMMIT! STUPID WINDOW!" Morpheus cried. Then he drew from his pocket a bag of Mike Ike's, and took out two more pieces. "Ahum," he coughed, "Back to the topic. Now, which pill do you want?"

"Um I guess the red one, cause I like cherry flavor." So, I took the red pill, chewed it for a second or two, and then……. I swallowed.

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"Psyche!" said a blurred voice somewhere behind me. When I swallowed, I could feel the cherry flavor sink into my tongue……

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Or that's what would happen**, had it been cherry flavored**…….

From the moment it touched my tongue, I could tell it wasn't cherry at all like I expected.

"I'm extremely sensitive to spicy candy you idiot!" I said weakly before I collapsed.

"I'm sorry, I thought it would be a good joke to give you one that was flaming hot instead of cherry flavor. Are you all right? Would you like a glass of milk?" said Morpheus worriedly.

"Yes. .. . …. …. . Please," I answered before my mouth felt like it was being _stabbed by __knives that burned with the flames of hell_…………. Or something like that.

After I got my cup of milk, Morpheus offered me another Mike Ike, this time assuring me it was indeed cherry flavored, and we sat down on the two chairs conveniently set up on either side of the fireplace and talked about our jobs and how life was going. It turns out he used to be a gangster in the Axe Gang (Just as I thought!) until they were disbanded and he became a janitor.

"I wish I could be in a cool job like that," I told him.

"Oh, but you can. Come with me to the real world, where you can do cooler stuff than mopping, **you can drink soup on a tray**," said Morpheus, eyes wide with excitement. I would be lying if I said mine weren't just as wide as his.

"Soup………… **on a tray?**" I confirmed, now bouncing up and down my seat from trying to suppress my excitement.

"Bring me to the real world Morpheus!" I demanded hotly.

"Alright, you see that mirror? Well, you must jump into it at the count of three. When I say three, I will press the dimension key here, and you will be transported to the real world," Morpheus explained. It seemed easy enough, provided my math teacher had taught me the right way to count.

"Ready? One," said Morpheus. I stepped a few feet backwards for a run.

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"Two." By this time I started running, getting ready to spring.

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"THREE!" I flew the likes of which would have shamed an Olympian long jumper.

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WHAMM!

The force from my head hitting a _solid_ mirror struck as hard as when twenty women had slapped the sad sad man named Joe Millionaire when he told them he had only 5 Ferraris, not 10. Now for those of you player-haters out there, Yes, that's pretty dam hard.

Back to the present, while I was clumped up in a ball with my hands on my face, _Morpheus here_ was also clumped up in a ball, but with his hands on his stomach and his face redder than a tomato. While he cackled, I managed to limp towards him, and took out my gun and shot him.

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Well, that's what I wanted to do, if I had a gun. Instead, I grabbed his coat and yelled,

"Dude just get me to the real world already!"

"Ok, Ok, keep your pants on man," said Morpheus, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

Enraged from the constant practical jokes from a bald old man, I retorted,

"I WILL NOT KEEP MY PANTS ON!"

Oh wait, that came out wrong. From then on I learned to think before speaking.

Meanwhile, Morpheus lifted me on my feet, tutted about how I make the worst

comebacks, and brought me to a telephone.

"Just put the phone to your ear and you'll be transported," Morpheus sighed, rolling his eyes in a way that said 'god-it's-so-obvious-you-need-to-go-to-a-random-portable-telephone-to-teleport.'

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Well, that ends my first chapter, before I transport to the real world. There will be another come coming soon. plz review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

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**In the Real World**

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The world was a blur. Well, maybe that's cause I just opened my eyes from a long rest in what Morpheus called "the Real World". Quite pathetic if you ask me. I mean, there I was, looking fine as ever, and the next thing the real world makes me bald. AND, I got peasant clothes instead of my tie and shirt, which cost me $9.99 from Target! And that was with a coupon too!

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU MORPHEUS! I LIKED MY HAIR THE WAY IT WAS!" I had yelled to my hair-challenged friend.

"Well it's not my fault! The Matrix is just giving an image of your hair, but in the real world, you never had any," said Morpheus. However, later I curiously found a crate in the back room labeled 'Morpheus's hair implant plan', with scissors in it and these odd tufts of black string-like material that looked distinctly like it came from my head. Well, it didn't take a genius to figure this out, so I later kicked Morpheus in the groin and we were even.

When that was done, I met the rest of the crew. Apoc, who gave me a gun ), Dozer, one of those computer guys who plug me into the matrix, Tank, who does the same thing as Dozer, Cypher, who is helping the crew in a way I am unsure of as of now, and Trinity, who helps me fight (and fed me soup in the beginning too ).

Now this part is really boring, so I shall skip it so you won't have to bear with reading what happened again (assuming you watched the movie, and if you didn't, I just wasted a whole crapload of your time). So after doing stupid stuff like learning drunken fist and kung-pow chicken (or was it kung-fu…..), I step into the Matrix, ready to rescue Morpheus, who was stupid enough into getting himself caught. Oh yeah, and Cypher turned out to be a traitorous jerk (you just can't trust bald guys with weird mustaches like him), so Apoc decided to kill him (makes sense to me).

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**In the Matrix trying to save Morpheus off some building**

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I walked into the large building, and incredibly, **I got a long coat**. The awesome silkiness of it matched the color and hid my weapons perfectly.

"I could sell this for 20 dollars," I noted to myself. It's a shame I was still devoid of my hair though. I wonder why.

As I stepped into the marble flooring, immediately 3 agents popped out of pillars (man those guys have no lives), guns pointed at me. There was no way up the building, for they were standing in front of the stairs.

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Well, there _would_ be no way, had there not have been an elevator conveniently set up to my right. I stepped inside and closed the door.

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"DAMMIT!" cried all three agents in unison, as they slapped their heads. They had forgotten to block the elevator.

"You should have known that your stair-camping ways can't defeat Bippy the Monkey! Buahahaha!" said I, before the door closed and I rose 25 floors up. It turns out that every single floor was filled with agents, and they were all hiding behind pillars waiting for my non-existent self to come up the stairway.

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At last, I reached to the top, where I was greeted by a single agent.

"Mr. Anderson….. surprised, to see me?" mocked Agent Smith.

"Smith! Where is Morpheus?" I demanded, ignoring his question entirely.

"He's eating lunch right now at Downtown Buffet, so don't bother him now," said Smith.

"Really? The bastard made me come all the way over here just to wait for him to eat?" I asked.

"No you idiot, I was being sarcastic," replied the clever agent, "Who the hell would ever eat there? That place sucks. However, we'll give him back on one condition: that you beat me in a fight!"

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Suddenly, he pulled out a gun, and fired 3 shots at me. I dodged them with speedy perfection. Well, actually, I bent down to tie my shoelace, and he just missed me. But that's not the point.

"Mr. Anderson, somebody's going to die tonight!" cackled Agent Smith manically.

"Not by the hair, of my-" then I touched my bald, bald head. "nevermind. Bad choice of reference from fairy tales. My point being, I can't die, I have health insurance!" The agent widened his eyes in shock.

"I guess it will be harder to kill you after all, Mr. Anders-" at that moment, I decided to shoot my magnums, and one bullet hit his stomach.

"Hey! That's against the rules!" choked Smith, as he collapsed onto the floor, with but moments left to live.

I gave him my 'as-long-as-I-kick-your-ass-I-didn't-break-any-rules' smile, before I walked back into the elevator. Suddenly, as I just pressed the button, I was teleported down to the bottom of the building, where hundreds of agents were waiting for me.

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"How the hell did I get down here?" I gasped, so astonishedthat only a faint whisper came out.

"Plot device, Mr. Anderson, Plot device," the agent at the front replied. Then he gave me the same pompous smile I gave the dying Smith just a few seconds ago.

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By then, I had no other choice. The men asked for it. Suddenly, I started turning the color green. I writhed on the floor, and I grew to three times the size I was. I gave a deafening roar, and I focused in on the first agent I saw.

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"HULK SMASH!" I cried, a split second before I threw my fists on top of the poor agent, and a crackling sound was heard beneath my palms. This I did several more times to the other agents, who were stunned and thinking the same thing. _How did he do that? How did he do that? How did he-_ and by then they were already just a pile of broken bones. In the end, a total of 97 agents died from my reign of terror. The other three had died from what scientists today call IIFB/HSD (immediate insanity from Bippy/Hulk Smash disorder).

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Well, that ends my adventures in the Matrix. I phoned back home (literally) and settled down for a quite life drinking soup from trays and mopping. Bliss.

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PS: Many of you may be wondering how the hell I changed from a cool long coated man to a raving lunatic. All I can say is… Plot Device, friends, Plot device.

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This story is 33 percent accurate, 66 percent blamed on plot device.


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